These demons are doing Jumping Jacks

My yearly self evaluation is due, Tuesday. I hate doing this. Many people with bipolar have grandiose ideas about them self, not me, typically not. I am very critical. There are so many things going on at work that I just don't think is wise to divulge here.

I can say for the first time ever I am requesting work accommodations. Something that has become necessary but I don't want to do it. my supervisor signs it and will work with me. The human resource department, hopefully only the director will sign it, along with the CEO or COO or both. That's a lot of people knowing the intimate details of my life.

You know about two years ago I pursued a denial in social security disability because everyone is denied. My lawyer reviewed my case and told me that college and working has kept me well, and if I had been at home it would be necessary to pursue my claim. I left his office feeling good, knowing he was right.

I remember being at home not working or going to school, memories I don't want to repeat.

I was told one time when I was talking to my supervisor, about what I don't remember. But she asked me if I was going to be like so and so. Someone who abuses accommodations, if she has any.

That infuriated me!!! How dare she. Have I ever been one to take advantage of anything in my years of employment. And I am concerned about any accommodations I choose, that requesting them will change perceptions probably will!

Along with that issue my child has ADD and things aren't going smoothly between us. I am concerned she may have something more than ADD, Bipolar.

If she does, that is a whole other country (Forrest Gump). Another battle with my husband fought against her diagnosis of ADd for aprox a year. Will medication be necessary, will I choose to give it to her.

I feel so much anger right now! For everything, as I am sitting there talking to the doctor requesting documentation for my accommodation, trying to explain franchessca's issues. He tells me he wants to do something different with my medication - that's like a god damn m***** f******* death sentence. When I was experiencing tremors in my hand he convinced me that I should stay on the meds I am on. There is no secret formula for what drug works. Trial and error and extreme hell!!!!! If he is concerned and wants to do something different, Houston, there's a problem.

Almost 6 years until my first hospitalization. I could sit here and try to figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong, etc!!!! Buit it will do no good when it comes to struggling with this difficult time.

Changing my meds may lead to a lot of things and the absolute worst is what happened last time - zombie city. Slept tons, the sun hurt my eyes, blurry vision, I couldn't read, couldn't stay awake. Thank goodness that happened during the summer, and I was miraculously able to return to school, but I work now, and there is no summer vacation. I support my family, and if. If my PTO runs out and I am on FMLA it's unpaid. That is the worst scenario staring at it in the face, while it is terrifying and an extreme stress builder just needs to be recognized. Because while what I mentioned isn't fun, it ain't the end of the world, and damn it I will be okay. My appointment is not till june 14. I have to find a way to cope between now and then and relieve stress.

I got to get up and live my life and not let these fears hoLd me back from life. It is a holiday weekend. I am seeing family today going to a baby shower. I got two children here- one grown to spend my weekend with. I am going to make it a good one, exercise this bipolar demons. I am sick of their m***** f****** manic jumping jacks. They need to chariat and sit the f down, or better yet die!