I Am Not Afraid...

I Am Not Afraid  by Eminem is my anthem. It is one song among many that gives me inspiration.

I am not afraid, or am I? But I am. I am truly afraid of failure.

Talking about Eminem I respect him, and his honesty. Everyday I question my decision on being so open about my life on this blog, and posting almost every entry for my Facebook friends to see. Then I think about Eminem and how public he is about his life and what rocks him to his very core. While I am sure it has gotten him flack for being so honest about his drug addiction, and many other things in life. If he can do it, why can't I?

One thing music does is inspire, and inspiration comes from music, books, movies, life. Eminem's honesty has inspired me to look at my life, and be not afraid. If he can conquer something like conquer a drug and alcohol condition, why can't I accomplish my goals.

Last year on my commute from work every time Eminem's song came on the radio I cranked it. I decided I wouldn't be afraid.

Not afraid to:

• Eat a healthy diet
• Lose 100 lbs
• Become a Black Belt
• Pursue my dreams

Writing this blog is pursuing my dreams. I am writer, and dammit writers need to write. Writing is cathartic it frees me,and sometimes provides perfect clarity. Writing help me sorts my thoughts. This is just one step towards my dream of writing and publishing my work.

 My point is ..... I am afraid.

 I need freedom, freedom to be me. Freedom to say what I need to say without apology.

I began this blog on the premise of no holding back. This is the Real Me.

You have no idea how many times  I have had those bipolar moments, and sometimes my first impulse is take something large and ram it into a tree, and the first thing that comes to mind is my car. Not because I am suicidal, but because I am sooo angry at the situation, whatever it is. Of course this choice isn't logical and hitting my spouse, boss, or child would just result in worse problems than what I have already.  I try to find another solution. Of course, I could resort to my old tactics of throwing items, but items break and I would have to clean them up, and I HATE to clean. 

So my first logical move is to explode on my Facebook status, but who really cares about that crap. While I still use facebook to vent a little I have decided I to use this forum. I do not have to tread lightly.

Remember I warned you if you don't want honesty and my straightforward real thoughts, whatever it may be that day. Don't read on. If you are offended it is your own fault.

So what am I really worried about, read on and I will tell you....

A very successful teacher marketing teacher telling me not to tell my boss about my disability. Only share this information if I came close to getting fired.

My husband telling me, even if my boss would wanted to fire me, they wouldn't because of my disability, and a chance of a lawsuit.

I am worried of one day losing my job, and my prospective employer doing a thorough job of researching me and finding this blog, and not hiring me, only because I have bipolar. And they would only know because I shared it willingly on this blog. My own undoing.

I want to be hired and fired because of my potential and level of ability not my disability and the potential for a lawsuit.

I am terrified of being considered a plague, that no one wants to employ. That is a hefty concern and perhaps a valid concern, but then I think of the following.

After being hired in with at internship, I shared my disability with my supervisors. I was welcomed with open arms and it was one of the best experiences I have ever had in my life.I was even asked to write a letter to the Mental Health Board, and I did.

I think about Bipolar Magazine. It's revealing stories about famous people with the disorder such as Carrie Fisher, and prime minister's wife, and why did they decide to share their story..... to help someone else... so someone else does not have to suffer in silence.

This is why  I do this,  first to help me, and second to show what bipolar is, educate,  and remove the stigma from mental illness.

I will reap whatever my honesty has sowed, and hopefully it will be the intent to help others, not hurt my relationships, or career.

So I make a solemn vow to notice the affects my honesty can have on my career, but not concentrate on it. Focus on being me and writing what comes to mind. Sharing from my  heart, and hopefully someone else, someone  going through a rough time, who doesn't think the bad times will ever end, will know it is going to be okay.

I want them, you to know, even tho you feel so alone, you  aren't.

 Even tho you feel like absolutely no one can understand what you are going through,  I do, I know. I struggle too.
And after every hard day, the sun always rises the next day. Bad times while they often last longer then a day, end, and the sun rises on the other side. There is always hope for another day, a brighter day.

I am not afraid.