Can't climb Everest in a Day

Today there is a mountain. It begins at the foot of my bed. I look across the horizon and the mountain peak crests within the clouds, beyond my sight of vision. Either way I look there is this huge obstacle seemingly impassable. Logically, my brain beckons me to escape into the bed and hid within my covers. It would seem logical wouldn't it? If the task in front of you seems or feels impossible, avoid it. Except, I know the consequences of avoidance via sleep. It isn't a good idea in the slightest. It will affect me, my children, and my spouse. And realistically perhaps at first glance was skewed by the sun. Maybe the mountain isn't so steep or huge. Tentatively, I step on foot onto the floor, it's flat and smooth. Now I try my second. It is flat and smooth. I pick up the tools I need, and mark a distance in the mountain that seems passable, and begin climbing to my goal. I smile and think nobody said you could climb everest in a day.

These demons are doing Jumping Jacks

My yearly self evaluation is due, Tuesday. I hate doing this. Many people with bipolar have grandiose ideas about them self, not me, typically not. I am very critical. There are so many things going on at work that I just don't think is wise to divulge here.

I can say for the first time ever I am requesting work accommodations. Something that has become necessary but I don't want to do it. my supervisor signs it and will work with me. The human resource department, hopefully only the director will sign it, along with the CEO or COO or both. That's a lot of people knowing the intimate details of my life.

You know about two years ago I pursued a denial in social security disability because everyone is denied. My lawyer reviewed my case and told me that college and working has kept me well, and if I had been at home it would be necessary to pursue my claim. I left his office feeling good, knowing he was right.

I remember being at home not working or going to school, memories I don't want to repeat.

I was told one time when I was talking to my supervisor, about what I don't remember. But she asked me if I was going to be like so and so. Someone who abuses accommodations, if she has any.

That infuriated me!!! How dare she. Have I ever been one to take advantage of anything in my years of employment. And I am concerned about any accommodations I choose, that requesting them will change perceptions probably will!

Along with that issue my child has ADD and things aren't going smoothly between us. I am concerned she may have something more than ADD, Bipolar.

If she does, that is a whole other country (Forrest Gump). Another battle with my husband fought against her diagnosis of ADd for aprox a year. Will medication be necessary, will I choose to give it to her.

I feel so much anger right now! For everything, as I am sitting there talking to the doctor requesting documentation for my accommodation, trying to explain franchessca's issues. He tells me he wants to do something different with my medication - that's like a god damn m***** f******* death sentence. When I was experiencing tremors in my hand he convinced me that I should stay on the meds I am on. There is no secret formula for what drug works. Trial and error and extreme hell!!!!! If he is concerned and wants to do something different, Houston, there's a problem.

Almost 6 years until my first hospitalization. I could sit here and try to figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong, etc!!!! Buit it will do no good when it comes to struggling with this difficult time.

Changing my meds may lead to a lot of things and the absolute worst is what happened last time - zombie city. Slept tons, the sun hurt my eyes, blurry vision, I couldn't read, couldn't stay awake. Thank goodness that happened during the summer, and I was miraculously able to return to school, but I work now, and there is no summer vacation. I support my family, and if. If my PTO runs out and I am on FMLA it's unpaid. That is the worst scenario staring at it in the face, while it is terrifying and an extreme stress builder just needs to be recognized. Because while what I mentioned isn't fun, it ain't the end of the world, and damn it I will be okay. My appointment is not till june 14. I have to find a way to cope between now and then and relieve stress.

I got to get up and live my life and not let these fears hoLd me back from life. It is a holiday weekend. I am seeing family today going to a baby shower. I got two children here- one grown to spend my weekend with. I am going to make it a good one, exercise this bipolar demons. I am sick of their m***** f****** manic jumping jacks. They need to chariat and sit the f down, or better yet die!

Who's Super Woman - It Ain't Me

Feeling fizzled out. It's my lunch break now. I delayed taking a lunch break at noon my regular time, and soon it became too late to go out and get something to eat.Contributing to the fizzlement I am in.

I am frustrated about a circumstance at work. Let me tell you I am strarting to realize I generally get frustrated when I am not perfect. I want to do everything right. So not possible.

For the past couple of years I have been reading Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, off and on, and I just couldn't come up with a mission statement. I was able to list all of my goals, but a goal is not a mission statement. A mission statement is an anchor that steers you on a course to reach you goals. Finally I do have a mission statment- Progress Not Perfection.

I still want to be perfect.

Perfect Mother

Perfect Wife

Perfect Employee

Perfect Volunteer

Perfect Martial Artist

Not only that, I want to do everything perfect. Can't be done, but I still want to do it.

Right now and the rest of my work day, I am going to try and focus on my accomplishments. My laziness and stubborness cries out, oh don't do that, and if I listen, I know I won't feel any better.

Please humor me while I complete this task:

Career Woman

Mother of 10 year old, and soon to be 19 year old

Married for 17+ years

Orange Master in Tae Kwon Do, will test for Black Belt in 2012

Writer

Good Friend

Resourceful

Well Lunch is over and work beckons, and looking at my list I feel better

I Am Not Afraid...

I Am Not Afraid  by Eminem is my anthem. It is one song among many that gives me inspiration.

I am not afraid, or am I? But I am. I am truly afraid of failure.

Talking about Eminem I respect him, and his honesty. Everyday I question my decision on being so open about my life on this blog, and posting almost every entry for my Facebook friends to see. Then I think about Eminem and how public he is about his life and what rocks him to his very core. While I am sure it has gotten him flack for being so honest about his drug addiction, and many other things in life. If he can do it, why can't I?

One thing music does is inspire, and inspiration comes from music, books, movies, life. Eminem's honesty has inspired me to look at my life, and be not afraid. If he can conquer something like conquer a drug and alcohol condition, why can't I accomplish my goals.

Last year on my commute from work every time Eminem's song came on the radio I cranked it. I decided I wouldn't be afraid.

Not afraid to:

• Eat a healthy diet
• Lose 100 lbs
• Become a Black Belt
• Pursue my dreams

Writing this blog is pursuing my dreams. I am writer, and dammit writers need to write. Writing is cathartic it frees me,and sometimes provides perfect clarity. Writing help me sorts my thoughts. This is just one step towards my dream of writing and publishing my work.

 My point is ..... I am afraid.

 I need freedom, freedom to be me. Freedom to say what I need to say without apology.

I began this blog on the premise of no holding back. This is the Real Me.

You have no idea how many times  I have had those bipolar moments, and sometimes my first impulse is take something large and ram it into a tree, and the first thing that comes to mind is my car. Not because I am suicidal, but because I am sooo angry at the situation, whatever it is. Of course this choice isn't logical and hitting my spouse, boss, or child would just result in worse problems than what I have already.  I try to find another solution. Of course, I could resort to my old tactics of throwing items, but items break and I would have to clean them up, and I HATE to clean. 

So my first logical move is to explode on my Facebook status, but who really cares about that crap. While I still use facebook to vent a little I have decided I to use this forum. I do not have to tread lightly.

Remember I warned you if you don't want honesty and my straightforward real thoughts, whatever it may be that day. Don't read on. If you are offended it is your own fault.

So what am I really worried about, read on and I will tell you....

A very successful teacher marketing teacher telling me not to tell my boss about my disability. Only share this information if I came close to getting fired.

My husband telling me, even if my boss would wanted to fire me, they wouldn't because of my disability, and a chance of a lawsuit.

I am worried of one day losing my job, and my prospective employer doing a thorough job of researching me and finding this blog, and not hiring me, only because I have bipolar. And they would only know because I shared it willingly on this blog. My own undoing.

I want to be hired and fired because of my potential and level of ability not my disability and the potential for a lawsuit.

I am terrified of being considered a plague, that no one wants to employ. That is a hefty concern and perhaps a valid concern, but then I think of the following.

After being hired in with at internship, I shared my disability with my supervisors. I was welcomed with open arms and it was one of the best experiences I have ever had in my life.I was even asked to write a letter to the Mental Health Board, and I did.

I think about Bipolar Magazine. It's revealing stories about famous people with the disorder such as Carrie Fisher, and prime minister's wife, and why did they decide to share their story..... to help someone else... so someone else does not have to suffer in silence.

This is why  I do this,  first to help me, and second to show what bipolar is, educate,  and remove the stigma from mental illness.

I will reap whatever my honesty has sowed, and hopefully it will be the intent to help others, not hurt my relationships, or career.

So I make a solemn vow to notice the affects my honesty can have on my career, but not concentrate on it. Focus on being me and writing what comes to mind. Sharing from my  heart, and hopefully someone else, someone  going through a rough time, who doesn't think the bad times will ever end, will know it is going to be okay.

I want them, you to know, even tho you feel so alone, you  aren't.

 Even tho you feel like absolutely no one can understand what you are going through,  I do, I know. I struggle too.
And after every hard day, the sun always rises the next day. Bad times while they often last longer then a day, end, and the sun rises on the other side. There is always hope for another day, a brighter day.

I am not afraid.

Bipolar Ugliness

I am just so frustrated with myself right now....

After a fight with my daughter, I was reading the bipolar magazine online.  A story about bipolar in your family tree. You know thinking about in my family, thinking about who may have it, who has been diagnosed, if my daughter will ever be diagnosed.

And I am so irked with myself. I am trying so hard to be a good mom. To make sure my daughter does her homework.

Well see today just not a regular day. Today is one of the few days in the month when I can turn into Roseanne. If you ever watched the show, you will instantly know what I mean.

Today is one of those days that I hate. A day when I realize my disability, and I wish so much I wasn't like this.

I skipped my regular routine today. Halfway home from work, I convinced myself that I didn't feel well enough for kick boxing. I was excited at the fact that Franchessca and I could go home, and have some extra time alone. She would have time to complete her homework, and I could begin on my mounting to do list.

None of that happened. I been to feel  powerless when looking at all the homework my daughter was to complete. Some of it that should have actually already been started since she is not to take the second martial art class.

She has a project due Wednesday. Another project due next Monday. Two pages of math, Sentence Completion, and spelling words three times each.One top of that in her homework folder are unfinished papers, and homework that was to be turned in last Friday. My daughters getting lippy. I am saying I statements, but I am also getting increasingly angry. I threaten her with bed. I threaten her with a phone call with to her father. But I feel all so alone. My negative voice telling me her won't help me anyway.

I go into the kitchen to throw her old papers away. She follows me and  takes the papers out, and out them back into the trash. She takes them back out. It happens again and again, and I slap her.

Of course she isn't injured. I didn't make a mark. But you and I both know full well that words sometimes injure more than a slap. It was just when my hand hit her face. I realized I was out of control.

It has been an hour, and I just don't feel any better. The tears are still fresh on my face, and I feel like no one can help me. I wonder if I should take the three pills my doctor recommended.

He told me I was hypo-manic

"What will happen if I don't, " I asked.
Dr. Maiden responded, "People won't want to be around you. You could become depressed. You could become maniac, and develop risky behaviors"

Ah shucks.... I didn't care. I have never been promiscuous. Never spent money too unwisely ( but never really had any money in the first place), never done drugs, and I don't think I have ever been drunk."

Is this behavior, these thoughts, these tears, are the blows to my daughter's self-esteem, and mine a result of my noncompliance?

I don't know, but tonight I am taking three. I don't want to be like this, and I don't want to feel like this. Days like this I feel cursed for having Bipolar.

Mother's Day

My family just gave me their Mother's Day present. So Sweet