Where is my Resurrection?

Dear World,

Today has been a hard day. No cross that out. It has been a hard year. It's spring the sun has been shining. The birds have been singing. Easter has passed, and I have found no Resurrection. Let me just cut to the chase. Bipolar is to blame. I was diagnosed in 2005, and have led a fairly healthy life, and held a good paying full time job after graduating with honors in 2008.

Things just kinda started falling apart last spring. Was it the stressful job, the demanding boss, or the occasional forgetfulness with my medication? And when things began to fall apart, I requested accommodations for my disability. I took some time off work and my doctor added a medication to deter a visit to the psychiatric ward.

When I returned to work, I was greeted with a poor evaluation. With the evaluation was a performance plan, and if the performance markers were not met it could lead to termination. I was devastated. I had poured my heart and soul into that job. I was so hurt.

 I left work early and became so broken up I got a migraine. I had an hour drive home and had made an appointment  to see my counselor. I had convinced myself I was going to quit. My counselor appointment  was spent discussing this option between my sobs, and my exit to the bathroom where I vomited in the sink. I had come to the determination that I would stay and fight for my job, prove them wrong. I was hard at work for several weeks, when a simple car accident literally changed my life. I had no insurance on that car; therefore, no way to fix it. The job I fought so hard for, I had to resign from.

All this leads me to where I am today working midnights, still without a car, and now without a license, and feeling very depressed.I am a  tree whose leaves have withered and died. Spring has come the other trees have bloomed while my limbs are barren.

I have no motivation to write this but I wanted to participate in blogging for mental health. I would like to consider myself a stigma buster and a mental health advocate just because I speak out in this blog.

The reason I do speak out is I want us, those with a mental illness, to know you are not alone and you do not have to suffer in silence. I want to inspire others to speak out because stigma can be erased one story at a time. Most importantly I hope my writing encourages those who are suffering to get help.

I am  in flux, and I know my future is bright, and I know I will feel better. I plan to call the doctor soon...very soon.

Please join me on my journey and visit me again soon.